[an article on statistics]

i liked the column that listed useless statistics such as how many people it would take to form a human chain from the base of mount everest to the summit, or what percentage of waiters understood the difference between sarcastic witticisms and unfunny rudeness (0%). my favourite statistic in this particular column, however, was: most number of people rescued by one dog - 40 (by barry the saint bernard, who worked in the swiss alps).

i liked the thought of barry, proudly guarding the snow-covered mountains, spending his days bounding over the human chains that crept towards the peak and having a modest pint of rum by the fireplace in the ski chalet at night, while frivolous poodles gathered adoringly around him and jealous whippets looked on in disgust. i imagined barry sitting on an ice-covered rocky precipice, surveying his domain in a manner reminiscent of slyvester stallone in cliffhanger and keenly watching the foolhardy progress of some off-piste skiers far below; perhaps mischievously barking once or twice, just loudly enough to cause a minor avalanche that would teach the feckless humans the grave error of not respecting mother nature.

i grabbed the calculator and tried to work out how many people barry saved every year. assuming that barry lived in a normal dog life span of about fourteen human years, which is ninety-eight in dog years, then barry saved about 2.85 people per year, which was pretty impressive. but when you converted it into dog years it came out at the unheroic total of 0.4 people rescued every year. when you put it like that, barry was actually a bloody slacker and here we were celebrating his under-achievements in a national magazine.

September 03, 2004 - 7:49 am