[distinct voices]

i come from a family of screamers. if they are trying to express any emotion or idea beyond pass the salt, it comes in shrieks. so my mum is the opposite of composure, and i am calling her with the sole hope that her maternal stability will seep through the fibre-optic lines.

i almost say to her, mummy, i'm coming to you with a need, and you're going to have to fill it, or at least fake it for a while, because i need you to be a motherly mother who believes i can do no wrong right now. and you know, i feel so desperate that i would say it if i thought it would work.

but it won't. there have been countless times when she's been hysterical and i've begged her to calm down because she is the only adult in my life i can trust and when she gets crazy i feel as if the bottom is slipping and sliding out from under me, but this doesn't stop her. she does not look at me with comprehension or recognition, as if what i'm saying makes enough sense for her to stop screaming. she never steps back and sees that her behaviour is inappropriate or disproportionate, or, worst of all, not productive. she keeps screaming. and i sit around plotting and planning, wondering what i would have to do to shut off the noise, what state of desperation would i have to achieve before she'd realise that the way she's carrying on is killing me.

June 26, 2003 - 1:37 pm